the summer in brief

How to break a long silence? A quick catch up.

I provided the admin and housekeeping support for our annual Arts Trail weekend.

The Mister was away volunteering with the Iona community and my photos were not as good as his would have been.

I did a bit of solo travel:

• By car to visit my sister and see the Lichfield Mystery Plays
• By train to Stratford to visit daughter, s-i-l and granddaughter and to see an understudy performance of Twelfth Night (brilliant!)
• By train to Glasgow to visit my cousin
• By train and ferries and coach to Iona for a week’s visit and catch up with the Mister
• And back home again by ferries, coach and trains visiting daughter no. 3 and all of her family in Lancashire en route.

I found that journeys completed successfully alone leave me with a real buzz of achievement. There’s something about it that makes me feel capable and alive.

I did the usual amount of knitting and stitching

  We had visitors:

• From Devon
• From Holland
• From the Czech Republic
• From Leeds
• From South Africa
• Daughter no. 3 and two of her littlies
• And currently an actor friend who is rehearsing and performing in Bristol

 That’s a lot of bedlinen!

We have celebrated some birthdays

 

We have had a reunion of college friends some forty years on

We have visited Devon for the Preview of an exhibition by friends

 

We have been to a “secret” gig

Seen a couple of films

Visited Stratford again to see the Comedy of Errors

 

We have watched the Olympics on the telly (and now the Paralympics)

 

I have watched these sunflowers grow painfully slowly to (finally) produce a tiny flower!

finished!

Finally, my "vintage" quilt is finished.

I am pleased. It's not a perfect piece of quilt-making by any stretch of the imagination, but I think the overall impression is pleasing and I'm happy with the layout and fabrics. After I had bought the vintage bundles in St Ives I had some doubts and felt I'd been overtaken by holiday fever and the need to buy something; they seemed a bit dull and dated. After I chopped them up and added the plain central squares from my stash it started to work though, and I was especially pleased by the addition of the turquoise fabric, which just seemed to lift the whole thing and give it a bit of zing.

The backing is an old duvet cover which had ripped and has been dyed in cold water dye.

I still need to get to grips with machine quilting. I don't seem to be able to avoid creasing and puckering of the backing fabric.

Still, overall I'm happy and felt confident enough to take it to the village fete-style, 'Best of Malago' at tonight's WI meeting.

retirement musings

I’m a little nervous about posting this as I don’t usually go in for so much self-indulgent rambling online, but writing it has been helpful to me and it’s not offensive to anyone, so I’m going for it. I should warn you that if you are easily irritated by other people’s navel-gazing, you really shouldn’t read any more! # It’s a year since I retired. Fortunately the kind enquiry “how’s retirement?” is beginning to dwindle, because I’m afraid the answer still has to be “I have no idea”! To be honest I don’t think I have adjusted yet, though as my daughter no. 3 wisely remarked when I voiced this thought a couple of weeks ago “What would that adjustment look like?” Well quite! # There have been some very surprising things. My job was moderately enjoyable and I did it reasonably well, but it was never what you would call a “career”. Yet I find that my image of myself was more shaped by my working identity than I realised. I worked from home as the part-time Finance Manager for a firm of architects, so I was used to being home alone and planning my time and getting to the end of a day and feeling that something had been achieved. There’s no longer an external discipline to make that happen.

Before I retired I did a lot of thinking about it, making lists of hopes and fears (which look remarkably similar to the ones Steve has enumerated in his thoughts on retirement). I think my biggest fear was of “drifting” – I’d always envisaged retirement as my opportunity to get on with the things that work prevented me from doing. I wanted to do more textile work and more “art” and above all I wanted to discover whatever it is that will really motivate me and make me feel alive. After a while I realised that like all of life’s major changes – marriage, parenthood, bereavement – no amount of planning and anticipation prepares you for the emotional journey of the real thing; you just have to do it. This fear has definitely been realised! I know myself well enough to know that given the chance I do just drift. I have always found it hard to motivate myself and I get easily distracted, rushing on to the next task before the first one has been completed (which is why I’ve always had such an untidy desk and the kitchen always looks as if the scullery maid’s on holiday). This would be fine if I actually enjoyed the drifting, but so often time is just frittered away on the computer. (I’ve given up solitaire for Lent which has been a great discipline, but I haven’t managed to bring my need to “just check my emails and have a quick look at facebook” under control.) I think to myself that I would like to go and visit the Museum and Art Gallery in Cardiff (a modest train journey) or to go to the British Museum (rather further, more planning required), but the days pass and I still haven’t done them. I haven’t done a great deal in the way of textile work either – and certainly no “art”. So, surprise, surprise – it wasn’t work stopping me from doing those things; it was me. Lack of drive, lack of commitment, these are the things I’ve always berated myself for, so why should I change just because I’ve retired?

#

Another thing which has surprised me is that retirement has felt more like an ending than I thought it would. Our move to Bristol, retiring at sixty – these were things that were supposed to mean that retirement would be a new start with lots of lovely things to look forward to, rather than an end. Over the past year there have been several episodes when I have felt I was balanced on the edge of falling into depression. This has both alarmed me (I really don’t want to go there again) and made me angry with myself – it seems so self-indulgent; my life is fine, I have people I love, who love me, I have things to do and things to look forward to, I am not without value – there is nothing to be unhappy about. And yet, and yet... I have come to the shocked conclusion that although it’s not something I believe with the conscious, rational part of me there is a deep subconscious part that has absorbed the prevailing world view that work and economic value are the things that make us worthwhile.

#

I recently heard an older woman say that she would love to see the northern lights and my inner-meanie said to me “Well that’s not going to happen, is it? She’s too old and she can’t afford it.” And then I felt ashamed and wondered when I started thinking that older people couldn’t have dreams which would never be fulfilled. I suppose a lot of life is about managing expectation – having dreams, but not being unrealistic. Over the years there are many things that we realise we can’t have or do because of money or circumstance or ability and as we get older more of the dreams of our youth have to go on the “never going to happen” pile. So has there been anything good about the past year? Yes, of course, lots of things. I went on a wonderful retreat/reading week at Sheldon, Steve and I enjoyed a brief holiday in Wales and lots of days out during his summer holidays last year. We have seen friends and enjoyed time with family. My days aren't spent entirely aimlessly because I look after our grand-daughters one day a week; I do Stu’s book-keeping, I’m treasurer of Malago WI, we have a weekly meal and discussion of faith issues with a group of friends, I’ve joined a community choir, I read and knit relentlessly and I have done some quilt-making. So actually life is full and rich, it just needs a bit more focus. # Coincidentally, while I have been drafting this post our great friend Si posted a link on facebook to a talk/blog post called Steal like an Artist. There’s some real practical wisdom in there and I am particularly attracted by the advice not to wait until you “know yourself” before you start doing the things you want to do and by the suggestion that you should project the image of the thing you want to be in order to become it. I had a conversation with someone yesterday who asked me if friday is my day off. When I said that I am retired she expressed surprise because “you always look busy and organised”. In the subsequent “what did you do when you were working” exchange she confessed that she had thought I was a psychologist! (I have absolutely no idea why and neither did she seem to). I’m obviously projecting some kind of efficient but empathetic image, which is a comfort I suppose! # I think it’s time I dusted down and resurrected my Fifty before Sixty manifesto and think about a new set of goals and targets. I need to dream some new dreams and make some of them come true. # PS. Blogger is having some serious problems with paragraph spacing at the moment (as others have observed). This is my third attempt at getting paragraphs where I want them to be and I don't hold out that much hope for it being right even now.

st ives

Just back from a week in our favourite place – a wonderful apartment overlooking Porthmeor Beach in St Ives.

On the first Saturday of half term four households converged to become one big family. This was a trip to celebrate Steve’s and my 60th birthdays. Our ages are actually separated by just over a year, but this was a convenient mid-point in time to get the tribe together for a lovely holiday.

Everyone took turns to cook, so we ate well and copiously! According to our tastes we variously, walked, played on the beach, flew a kite, dug in the sand, visited the Tate, read our books, played Scrabble, did crosswords, lounged about, knitted, baked cakes and bread, shopped, photographed and blogged. The latter was Steve, who photographed and blogged obsessively all week and can be read in more detail here!

A highlight was the evening surprise when we were taken down to the beach after dark. Once there, little nightlight lanterns which the children had helped to make were lit, cava was popped open and drunk and two fantastic sky lanterns were sent sailing over the ocean taking all our prayers and wishes for the future with them.

A lovely week, to be savoured in memory.

photo credits: Steve and Felix

change of plan

Last Thursday Steve and I set out to visit Hidcote Manor Gardens – I was hugely impressed by these beautiful gardens when we visited years ago and we fancied a return visit now that we have rejoined the National Trust.
However, as we approached the M5, electronic signs were warning of long delays between J15-14 because of an accident. With only minutes to re-plan the route we stayed on the M4 and found ourselves well on our way to the Severn Bridge. By the time we stopped at Aust Services to look properly at the map together, Steve suggested that we’d come so far that we might as well carry on and visit Cardiff, which was one of the destinations on his list of things to do this summer.
So it turned into a different kind of day out – a city day instead of a garden visit. We had heard lots of good things about Cardiff’s regeneration particularly around the seafront, so headed for Cardiff Bay. I’m afraid we found it decidedly underwhelming and after wandering for half an hour headed for the city proper. There we visited the castle - with some trepidation, fearing that touristification would have spoiled it. We loved it and felt we really got our money’s worth (with his over-60 bus pass Steve went in as a "senior" teehee). The entrance price includes an audio-guide (narrated by the lovely Huw Edwards) which I used liberally but Steve refused to touch with a bargepole. The castle has roman walls (only rediscovered in the 19th century), a medieval keep and baillie and a newer castle block. The latter has real wow factor when you climb the stairs and find yourself inside a Victorian gothic fantasy of the romance of the middle ages – one of the small dining rooms with its gilded angel mantel-supports felt like being inside a fairground pipe-organ!
After that there was only time for a cup of tea in Howell’s Department Store before setting off for home. Ironically we then got caught in severe traffic delays because of roadworks at the Cardiff end and the Balloon Fiesta at the Bristol end and took the best part of three hours to get home! Maybe we’ll try Hidcote again this week.

star chart

I’ve had really rather a rubbish week, which has left me feeling bad about myself. I don’t cope well with hot weather and although I’ve been dutifully sitting at my computer most days with the intention of working, I’ve got to the end of each session with very little to show for it and a sense of failure. I therefore decided that I needed to review how I am getting on with the 50 before 60 challenge to give myself a sense of achievement (stars on my chart!).

So here’s a report on the items that have made some progress. I’m doing a few at a time to make the blog posts a more manageable size and the numbers are the numbers used for the original list.

1. Visit Cambridge: this is booked! We’re having a few days in Cambridge and Southwold in August.
2. St Ives holiday with all the family to celebrate our 60th birthdays: this has been booked for about two years! Everyone’s really looking forward to it although we know it will be a challenge with so many small children in unfamiliar beds.
4. Make a daisy chain: I did this for Iris recently and here’s the picture to prove it!

5. Increase exercise to 10,000 steps per day: I haven’t quite achieved this, but I have started doing a 40-50 minute walk 4 mornings a week and increasing my exercise generally.
6. Reduce BMI to a healthy level: Again, not achieved (it’s a long-term project), but I am working on it. I had got really quite worried about my health – not really feeling "well"; breathless, head-achey, hips and knees very painful, funny lights and flashes in front of my eyes – so took myself off to doc and got tested for blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid function, sticky blood, cholesterol. Everything came back fine, but still left me needing to lose quite a bit of weight. As a veteran of WeightWatchers and Slimming World I’m very familiar with the yo-yo scenario – lose weight, put it back on again, lose weight… (you get the picture), so I presented rather a defeatist face to the GP. She was just lovely! Very encouraging; talked about "cycles of change", changing one or two things at a time and encouraging exercise. So I’ve been trying to control my portion sizes, have joined an online diet forum and getting out on the aforementioned walks.
7. Find a tai chi, yoga or pilates class: Yes. I’ve joined a yoga class at the Community Centre around the corner and I’m enjoying it.
8. Practise meditation every day: not every day, but I’m trying
9. Learn more about meditation and other spiritual exercises: One thing I’m doing towards this is going on a conference next weekend organised by Stillpoint in Oxford. Martin Laird has written a book about Christian meditation called Into the Silent Land, which I have tried and failed to read (I am so bad at reading anything other than fiction), so I’m hoping that the man in person will be inspiring.
10. Keep a thankfulness diary: hmm, I do this in fits and starts.

That's the first little chunk. It has already had the desired effect of making me realise that I do get things done one step at a time and sometimes life is rubbish and you have to go with it.

birthday list

No, not a list of the presents I want! This list is about a different kind of hope.

Some time ago my friend Gai blogged about the 49 things she wants to do before she’s 50. I found it a very inspiring list - a mixture of treats, challenges, resolutions and plans; things that can be ticked off in one go and things to incorporate into regular life. I thought I’d have a go at my own list. Trouble is I’m ten years older than G, so I decided to make it 50 things to do before I’m 60. It’s my birthday this week, so I’ve got a year to do all the things on my list.

I well remember that after I passed my fiftieth birthday I got a bit gloomy, feeling that there wasn’t much to look forward to, just the downhill slope towards old age. In fact that was untrue, the past nine years have brought lots of wonderful experiences, including a major move to a different part of the country, a lifestyle shift and the birth of three grandchildren. But I know that in my low moments I can lose sight of the good things and forget what it is that I enjoy doing. So this list is to remind me of all the stuff I have to look forward to and remind me that I can still make a contribution to the world.

1. Visit Cambridge
2. St Ives holiday with all the family to celebrate our 60th birthdays
3. Walk (part of) the Kennet and Avon canal
4. Make a daisy chain
5. Increase exercise to 10,000 steps per day
6. Reduce BMI to a healthy level
7. Find a tai chi, yoga or pilates class
8. Practise meditation every day
9. Learn more about meditation and other spiritual exercises
10. Keep a thankfulness diary
11. Plan a retreat
12. Take some kind of pre-retirement course or life coaching
13. Reduce the amount of waste we send to landfill
14. Where reasonable, avoid buying plastic
15. Increase loft insulation
16. Grow some vegetables and herbs
17. Take part in Earth Abbey’s GrowZone
18. Start a wormery
19. Make bread once a week
20. Take grandchildren on the miniature railway at Ashton Court
21. See theatre regularly
22. Read two books a month
23. One book in five to be a challenge of some kind – maybe a non-fiction book or a classic I’ve never got round to
24. Go to a couple of major exhibitions (maybe in London)
25. Give myself a weekly treat
26. Conquer lace knitting
27. Use the screen printing equipment I bought two years ago
28. Take an art or textile course
29. Get my Central Park embroidery professionally framed
30. Get properly fitted for a bra at Rigby & Peller
31. Clear cupboards and recycle junk
32. Learn how to make an egg custard with confidence
33. Continue to explore faith and doubt with my spiritual director
34. Do work filing once a month instead of a marathon when life becomes impossible
35. Make a simnel cake
36. Go to cinema once a month
37. Finish my "cortona" quilt
38. Research what I need to do to complete my OU degree
39. Make a range of "earth friendly" cotton shopping bags for the Arts Trail
40. Finish my mother’s florentine canvaswork. This was started in the 1960s. It’s never going to be the rug that was originally intended as some of the wool has run out, but could be a substantial floor cushion
41. Have a pedicure
42. Write up detailed job notes for my successor at work
43. Start an Etsy or Folksy shop to sell my handmade items
44. Apply for my bus pass, so I can go on jolly jaunts on local buses around the country
45. Get an indigo vat going and do some dyeing
46. Invite someone else to join in the fun of indigo dyeing
47. Try to save up some money to get my grandmother’s old armchairs reupholstered
48. Reawaken my interest in wildflowers and foster my granddaughter’s existing interest in flowers by teaching her the names of wildflowers and collecting some to press
49. Sort out the hopeless tangle that is my "jewellery box" and put things neatly (if temporarily) in nice new boxes in tidy little compartments
50. Make another list ready for next year!

holiday pursuits

Since returning home from a very jolly and convivial Christmas in Leyland we have had a very lazy and lovely week - the best rest and recuperation I have had in years. I realised about ten days before Christmas that I hadn't had a great deal of "proper" holiday during the year. Working part-time from home means always being able to catch a few hours work here and there, which sometimes leads people to imagine I'm on holiday all the time, but frequently means that when I am supposed to be having a break I'm still regularly checking emails and looking at the bank balance online. So I decided to take the rest of my year's holiday allowance in one shot - two full weeks from 22 December. The few days before Christmas were a bit of a scramble as we had to sort the house out for visitors staying while we were away. All the stuff from the studio was still in the dining room in the aftermath of the December Exhibition so it was quite a big deal and we were exhausted, but it did us a favour really because it meant we returned after Christmas to an immaculate house and could just flop.


This was exactly what we did and I've spent quite a bit of time on the sofa under a quilt watching rubbish telly or reading.

I've done some knitting. Mostly working on a scarf in the alpaca wool I bought back in the summer. It's quite a slow knit because it's k1, p1 rib and needs close attention to the chart for the placing of the double cable twists, but I'm enjoying the results.

Trying to make up my mind whether to leave the natural colour, or to dye it - it may end up in an indigo vat during the summer.

Also did a very rapid knit project to make myself some wrist warmers. Quite a few of my cardigans have three-quarter length sleeves or open bell-ended sleeves and I've found a chilly gap between glove and sleeve-end even under a winter coat. So, in preparation for our new year's day walk, I made these. I had 72g of yarn, so had to keep weighing as I went along so that I didn't use too much up on the first wrist. Worked well and did the job.

My other creative activity was also in the interest of keeping warm - a draught excluder for the front door made out of an old jeans' leg and stuffed with old socks and tights. It still needs a bit more stuffing before I close off the end, but is already in service. This had the added benefit of forcing me to sort out my socks and tights drawer.

Also had the opportunity to sort out all my knitting needles into the pockets on the gorgeous bag Ruth has made for me.

There are flapped pockets both sides and a ring binder inside to store all my patterns - bliss!

Then there was the Christmas jigsaw - a fiendish optical illusion from my sister. I mostly did the straight edges and Steve filled in the middle! I was a bit bothered by the fact that the illustration of the puzzle is circular and the puzzle itself is square - an illusion indeed!

It wasn't all lolling around, though. We included a healthy sprinkling of social activity as well - time spent with family on a couple of days, new year's eve with friends, a new year's day walk and meal with other friends and a walk on an icy beach yesterday.